I’ll admit it. I have a self esteem that often doesn’t play well with compliments. It’s very hard (as many, if not most of you, can understand) to hear that I look attractive, sexy, or even “hot”. My initial response is to shuck it off, deny it, tease back about “well, you’re obviously a few too many drinks in the hole” or some other means of deflecting the compliment. It’s hard for me to just say “thank you”, but more than that, it’s been a challenge to me to understand the concept.
Last weekend at Sex Camp, I heard someone say that I’m sexy because of how I carry myself and my attitude. And…it finally clicked. Sexy is not about how my body features look…it’s about the “who” that I am and how it expresses itself to the world. When I look at my body, I occasionally get a hint of sexiness, but mostly I see me as just…me. The me that is sitting here, right now, in my “I mate, then destroy” teeshirt and my “I dig chicks” pajama pants, with my hair messily tied up to keep it from getting in my eyes. The me that has scars on my body from a not-so-easy life, the signs of aging starting to be more visible, the little non-airbrushed marks and bumps and cellulite.
I don’t see myself the way that others see me, but I’m starting to understand what they might get from watching me. My eyes flash. My laugh is loud and deep and unrestrained. My neck arches when I look up or over at something that I’m interested in, baring itself to a gaze, a mouth, a hand, a rope. My hips move of their own accord when I’m being touched in the right ways. When I’m feeling extra sexy, my ass sways as I walk, and somehow I know how to attract attention. I nibble my bottom lip when I’m flirting and nervous, and I reach out and touch people on their arms or thighs as a matter of course. All totalled – that speaks sexy.
I asked some of the folks on my personal journal what they thought was sexy, and here are some of their responses:
Citi Kittie says “One of the reasons I love (sex) camp is because there are so many people there who are in touch with who they are and what they are all about and give off this amazing energy. Some of them are not sexy in by the standards of the dominant culture, but they give off this energy and just being near them or chatting with them I can feel it and see how sexy they are.” Q agrees with the concept of energy being sexy, and adds, “Also, I find smart hot. I love hearing people talk about their particular geek. Listening to someone speak intelligently about something they have a passion for is just sexy!”
I. noted that “Sexy to me is the way a person looks at me. The confidence you can read in their body language and a sense of humor.” Nidea concurs on the confidence, writing “…knowing what they want, who they are, and not afraid to be open with me about those things.” Additionally, confidence will get you more than you can imagine; as L. said, “Confidence (not arrogance) is a big one. Someone came onto me at camp that i wouldn’t have considered. He just took the plunge and was direct about what he wanted. He got his way…”.
Zev picked a very specific thing that he finds sexy – crows feet. When I asked him why, he replied “they stand out when they smile. And I think I like that it makes them look like they’ve lived. Crows feet are like toe creases on the insteps of boots” (It’s helpful to note that Zev and I share a passion for boots and their wearers).
Citi Kittie also reminds me “…we’ve all met people who are sexy by the dominant culture’s definition and then you start talking to them and they give off this awful energy and you realize they aren’t sexy at all”. Amen, darling. Who has time for pretty but crazy or – even worse – boring types?
Think you’re not sexy? Be yourself. Be confident in yourself! Know you’re attractive – not because of your body, but because of who you are and how you work it. Give yourself permission to extend yourself – to flirt, to make a fool out of yourself (folks rarely notice, I promise), to ask for what you want, to make eye contact across a crowded room. Shoulders high, chest out. And it’s totally okay to “fake it ’til you make it” – to act sexy, even though you don’t feel it, until you DO feel it. The world has a lot of sexy people who don’t know they’re sexy. That’s one serious problem with exploiting our natural resources!
(originally published on BestSexBloggers.com on September 18, 2008)
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